I’ve always had an opinion, but I didn’t always have a safe place to express it, so I kept it hidden to avoid family ridicule. As I grew into an adult, trying to express my opinions sometimes sounded like I was picking a fight. Didn’t sharing my opinion imply that I wanted you to agree with it and maybe even appreciate my brilliant thinking and aspire to think like me? Because I lacked the skills to express my opinion, I could easily be swayed to change my opinion to match yours.
My home group reads the Twelve Traditions at each meeting and studies the Tradition that corresponds with that month at its first meeting. It was interesting to hear that my group did not have an opinion on anything that might distract us from helping families and friends of alcoholics. Did I have an opinion about that? I did! I wanted everyone to understand the importance of keeping the Al-Anon program pure. I was ready to fight to the end to defend the reasoning, even to the point that I no longer knew what I was talking about. I was going to express my opinion whether anyone liked it or not!
Then I heard members who knew what they were talking about share some spiritual principles with the group, emphasizing the importance of the clear and consistent message of recovery we find in Al-Anon Family Groups. I learned how to define an outside issue by putting ideas through a filter that looked for our common bond of being affected by the family disease of alcoholism. As the principles became clearer, I realized that sharing how to practice a specific meditation, for example, is an outside issue, whereas sharing that I practice meditation as part of my recovery is consistent with our principles. Other examples include sharing political or religious views or outside literature—no matter how compelling, moving, or informative, it does not carry the wisdom of the Twelve Steps as expressed in our own Conference Approved Literature (CAL). The Al-Anon Focus/Declaration Table Card (S-24) is a wonderful tool to display in meetings to help separate principles from personalities.
I no longer feel like an outsider when we come together, because we have all been affected by the disease of alcoholism. Not knowing what walks of life other members come from—what their professions are or what other Twelve Step programs they may belong to, for instance—allows me to concentrate on the Al-Anon program of recovery without the distraction of wondering how I measure up to them. I can also recognize that members may have different opinions about and responses to current local or world issues than I do, but I don’t have to be concerned with those.
It comforts me to see how our Traditions add tremendous value to preserving the message of help and hope we can gain when we apply the tools of the Al-Anon program to our lives. I’ve grown now to understand the importance of focusing on our similarities rather than our differences. I know how to sit quietly and then patiently inform other members about our spiritual principles when necessary, allowing their reactions to pass without resistance or hype and without adding fuel to the fire. Bringing this practice into my relationships with family and friends allows me to maintain peace and serenity. Identifying and guarding against outside issues helps me with my responsibility of carrying this message of help and hope to others.
By Christa A., Group Services & Alateen Coordinator
“Inside Al-Anon Family Groups” presents news, policy, and commentary from volunteers, staff and readers sharing experience through service. Please feel free to reprint these articles on your service structure website or newsletter, along with this credit line: Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.