Today while I was working in the backyard, one of our chickens flew over the fence of the pen and joined me. I thought nothing of it and continued my work. However, before learning that this chicken could fly over the fence and back again, my husband and I would frantically chase her, pick her up, and put her back over the fence into the pen. She would then fly out again. Once we knew she could get herself back in, we stopped trying to help her and just let her be, knowing there was a risk that she could be taken by predators while outside of the pen. We came to accept that reality.
It occurred to me that this situation was a lot like dealing with my alcoholic son. While he was growing up, I tried to control his behaviors and actions, not realizing I was letting myself be controlled by him. When I met my husband, who was in Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.), he saw what was going on and recognized the disease in my son. As much as my husband tried to help him, my son didn’t want to change. And no matter what I did or didn’t do, my son was going to be who he was.
When my son turned 18, he was kicked out of the house. I didn’t have the heart to do it, but my husband did, because he knew things weren’t going to change if we continued with the way things were. It’s been many years and many ups and downs since then, but thanks to all I’ve learned in Al‑Anon, I have accepted that, like that chicken, my son is who he is, and I can’t control his choices. I can only focus on my own recovery and hope that the predator of alcoholism doesn’t take him when he’s outside the pen of his.
By Monique F., Massachusetts
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.