When I arrived in Al-Anon, I had a limited ability to identify specific feelings. I recognized anger and maybe sadness but had no clue about fear or shame. I had no idea that shame was affecting my daily choices. Overcoming and understanding my shame led me to the three A’s of Al-Anon—awareness, acceptance, and action.
Gaining awareness of the deep shame I felt took years of working with Sponsors, attending meetings, reading Conference Approved Literature (CAL), and doing several Fourth Steps. As a foster child, I grew up believing that something was fundamentally wrong with me (one definition of shame) because no one would adopt me. One of my foster parents was a “dry drunk,” and her comments about and to me reinforced the belief that no one wanted me. I never shared this belief with anyone but carried it deep inside into my adult relationships and behaviors. I married an alcoholic and finally found Al-Anon. Slowly, over many years of working my program, I became aware of this deep shame.
Acceptance has often been hard for me, but making a list of the behaviors that cause me shame and the people that trigger my shame is easier today. I can accept that I was ashamed of myself as well as of other people’s behavior.
Action is still a work in progress. Today, I identify my behaviors that are motivated by shame. Perfectionism, blaming myself for everything, and people-pleasing are signals that I am acting out of that old shameful habit. I seek the help of my Higher Power and talk to my Sponsor and Al-Anon friends to clarify my thoughts. I know that with acceptance and use of my Al Anon tools, I can adjust my perspective and regain a balanced view of myself and my part in life’s situations.
By Madeline S., Wyoming
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.